At least once a month for the past year I've seen someone announce their pregnancy on Facebook. While I have no desire to have children in the near or fairly distant future, I admire anyone who can bring a child into this world and raise it without completely screwing it up. Since the only child I have has four legs, I realize I am in no way qualified to give parenting advice but I must make one plea to all mothers-to-be: please, for the love of God do not give your child a ridiculous name that people can neither pronounce nor spell!!!!
I don't pay much attention to random pop culture news but I did notice this morning where the Today Show reported that Beyonce' and Jay-Z welcomed their first child, a baby girl. A baby girl who will without a doubt lead a very lovely, over privileged life and enjoy all of the opportunities that the world has to offer. But NO amount of money will change the fact that those two named their child Blue Ivy. Her name is a color, and not a creative one! Just because you like a color and a number does not make it OK to make that your child's legal name! And it's not just those two. People with far less wealth give their children horrible names every day. If it isn't in a book or the name of someone else in your family, perhaps you should reconsider what you're about to name your child! And if you give your child a fairly normal name, please spell it correctly! I cannot tell you all how many times I've had someone in my office with what appeared to be a perfectly normal name until their parents screwed up the spelling in a poor attempt to be more creative or unique. Oh, and don't name your kid after an adjective! Like Precious or Sincere (yes, I'm being totally serious). Also months, fruits, vegetables, sports cars, animal breeds, and countries are also off limits! If I meet one more 20 something named December, I'll scratch my eyes out. And what in the world were Gwyneth Platrow and Chris Martin thinking when they named their daughter Apple?! Seriously?! Do you know what I think of when I hear the world apple? First I think of electronics, then granny smith, then peanut putter, and how an apple a day keeps the doctor away. If we were to play a word association game right now and you said apple, I can guarantee you I would not respond with "oh, what a cute name for a little girl to be stuck with for her entire life."
Now if you're from a different country and in that country your name makes total sense then fine! By all means, have at it buddy! But there is never a reason to name your child after a well known university (yeah, I met someone who I can only assume was named after a school a few weeks ago) or name a your child after you and not make him the second or third. I met a man two days ago who was a junior and he named his son after him but his son wasn't the third. Confused yet? Because I sure as hell was. The dad was JR and the son was named after who I can only assume was his grandfather, which means that he and his grandfather have the exact same name. Good luck with that one buddy.
Now not all non-traditional names are bad. That isn't what I'm saying at all. All of my grandparents have/had some of the most common names you can think of which could be why both of my parents have less than common names but they fit their personalities and they aren't crazy names with insane spellings. Here's a good test, before you name your child "Star" think about how that would look on a name plate 30 years from now sitting on a desk. If it would look better on a name tag on a McDonald's shirt, you should probably reconsider your other top three choices. And if you do reconsider and land on a normal name, just stick to the regular spelling! Please! Until about a year ago, I had no idea you could spell Melissa more than one way. Whenever someone asks me how to spell my first name I just assume they can't read. To the best of my knowledge, there is only one way to correctly spell my name.
All I'm saying is, if you're on the fence about coming up with a name for your unborn child ask yourself a few questions before making any final decisions:
1. If I were 7, would I make fun of a kid with this name?
2. Would I want that to be my name when I'm 75?
3. If I type it in Microsoft Word, does it appear with a red squiggly line under it?
If you answered yes, no, and yes to those questions dust off the baby name book and give it another chance. If not for your child then please, do it for the rest of us who will be forced to say "I'm sorry, could you please spell that?" anytime we're forced to interact with your offspring.
